I’d like to apologize for the rap. Was meant to be a funny take on an already “dirty” song – funny since I’m known as the “good boy”.
I am, and I am 100 percent against violence of any kind. I work with many organizations to stop violence and bullying, and will continue to. It’s something I strongly believe in. Very sorry to anyone I’ve offended.
Hey reality star… you suck. You can’t ever be taken seriously because… look it…I mean….You’re on a friggin’ reality show for God’s sake! You suck because you’ve become famous for being yourself, partying, and having sex with cameras following you around. You are a SELLOUT! Ok I’m sorry, I will be kinder to you. I know that the show doesn’t represent your entire personality but I have to judge you solely on what I see on TV. The fact that you signed up for a reality show means that you are desperate for fame, you have no brains, family values, or any sense of self respect. There is absolutely NO WAY that you can be on a reality show yet also share these traits. I mean….can I even call you a “human” now? Are you human? Maybe you were, but you can never be again. Whatever you do, do NOT expect to be taken seriously in the real world after being on a reality show. How the hell can we take you seriously? The fact that cameras followed you around for a few weeks absolutely diminishes any positive humanly qualities that you once had.
Don’t expect to ever get a job because you’ve never worked a day in your life. You have money from being on a reality show but you sure as hell don’t deserve it. You didn’t have a 97 average from the time you were in first grade to high school. You didn’t graduate college with a 3.9 GPA. You don’t know what work is, your rich family supported you your entire life. You don’t know what its like to get your electric turned off because your family can’t pay a bill. You don’t know what its like to watch your parents break their back in order to buy you a new pair of Jordans. You are unappreciative because of those cameras that followed you around…I’m sorry…
Don’t ever…EVER…be expected to have any talent of any kind whatsoever…EVER! Real talented people who have been working their entire lives still haven’t achieved a tiny percentage of success that you have gotten over night. Do you feel proud of that? The fact that you made it so quickly means that you’ve never done anything talented in your life. You were on a reality show! You can’t spell. You can’t read or write. You can’t sing or perform.You aren’t an artist. You can’t draw. You have zero creativity otherwise you wouldn’t have to go on a show like that and make a fool of yourself. And here is a very important point. Do not expect to ever do anything else in the entertainment industry. Did you ever read Scarlet Letter? (Probably not because you’re a reality star) But that’s what you are. A disconnected outcast. You can’t act. You weren’t the lead role in every high school play. You’ve never memorized a full play and performed it at the theatre in front of hundreds of people. You never performed Shakespearian monologues. You never studied acting or had a real audition. Now that you’re famous you expect to be in the next big movie just because of who you are. How do you sleep at night?
Don’t ever expect to love. I see what you do on that show. You sleep with a new chick every night. What a pig you are. REAL men who aren’t on reality shows do not bring random girls home from clubs and bang them. You have zero respect for women. You weren’t raised in a house with only your mom and two sisters so how do you know how to respect a female? Females do not want to hook up with you. You are taking advantage of them because of your fame! You don’t keep in touch with them after you hook up. In fact, you tell everyone that “she was a hoe” and ruin reputations. Its all YOUR fault don’t you get it? Because the TV shows your life being documented while you are a young man in his early twenties in a party environment, you have no passion, emotion, or love to share with a significant other.
So I think you are getting my point here reality star…You just suck. And the more your show is about drinking and partying, the harder you suck. Drinking and partying is not something everyone does! Hardly anyone does it so the fact that you have the audacity to get up there with your little dance moves and rub it in the faces of everyone is bullshit…So remember you’re not smart, you have no talent, you’ll never be anything else once the fifteen minutes is up, you are a terrible person with no morals, and you suck…………………oh and I can’t wait to watch your show on Thursday! Bye!!!!
His name was Gabe and all he ever wanted to do was fit in. Gabe was a 17 year old senior in high school and was not the most popular kid in school by a long shot, but also wasn’t the least popular. He had just enough credibility where it earned him a seat at the “cool” table in the cafeteria. Gabe was at the age where almost every topic of his conversations with other students revolved around sex. You see, Gabe was the only one (supposedly) who was still a virgin and he had to listen to the other boys constantly bragging about their crazy sexual experiences. This upset him due mostly to the fact that he could not engage in the conversations without making up lies about his own experiences. The others knew that Gabe was lying and would constantly bully him about not hooking up with any girls. This made him constantly worried about not fitting in with the others. Gabe felt inadequate, not cool, and alone.
One Friday Gabe lands an invite to a keg party. Because he can not fit in with his “friends” by being a ladies man, Gabe experiments with weed and alcohol so that he can seem cool. He mostly fakes inhaling and doesn’t drink that much but nonetheless Gabe is making some headway with fitting in at the party. He sees a girl that he’s known since kindergarten named Christina. She is very pretty and speaks to him because of their pre-established relationship. Christina is wasted and at the end of the night needs to be walked home by Gabe. When they get to the house she invites him in and Christina is DTF. Gabe is extremely nervous. “I’m not prepared for this” he thought…”What if I fail, I don’t know what to do.” But Christina’s buzz is wearing off and she jumps on top of him. From general knowledge Gabe takes the general steps to having sex. (Removes his pants, her pants, and starts childishly making out.) Christina has a condom ready and hands it to Gabe (she’s done this before.) He has never put one on and is so nervous he is actually shaking. He can’t get it up. She is waiting anxiously and asks him whats wrong. Gabe is discouraged, throws his clothes on and storms out of the house. He walks home embarrassed and ashamed.
It is now Monday and all of Gabe’s friends bombard him with questions about what went down with Christina. Gabe has to embarrassingly respond by saying he did not have sex with her. “It just didn’t happen” he cowardly responded. The other boys figured what went down and continued to laugh and bully him like never before. To make things worse, Christina told the story to her girlfriends and they were bullying him as well. As Gabe walked through the hallways he would get snooty looks and would hear constant chuckles behind his back. He is depressed and ashamed. Gabe never wants to return to school again.
Some of Gabes older cousins learn of what is happening in school and they offer advice. They tell Gabe that these sort of things happen to everyone and when the opportunity is supposed to happen it will. One of Gabe’s more sleazy cousins, Mike, tells him to pop a viagra next time he has sex so that he can get over the initial bang without any problems. That weekend there was a bachelor party being thrown for one of Gabe’s cousins. Gabe could not go to the nightclub part of the party but the guys invited him to the hotel part where strippers were putting on a private show. Sleazy Mike pays one of the strippers one thousand dollars to have sex with Gabe. Gabe has been drinking alcohol the entire night and takes a viagra. Gabe is alone in the hotel room with the stripper, his heart starts racing and he gets an intense headache. He feels weak and starts hyperventilating. His cousins run in the room and try to nurse him to health but he passes out. The next day Gabe wakes up in the hospital and realized that he had some adverse effect from the alcohol and viagra. One can only imagine how sad Gabe feels right now. He actually gives up on having sex, stops speaking to his friends in school, concentrates more on academics, and finishes his high school year a virgin.
A few months later Gabe is off to college. His first day there he moves into his dorm room and is already making tons of friends. Flyers are being passed around for a beginning of the year party. Gabe goes to the party and has the time of his life. It is a clean slate and no one passes judgement on each other. This makes Gabe feel more confident and he ends up picking up a sophomore sorority chick named Sarah. The cool college dudes are giving Gabe the thumbs up (Sarah is good to go and likes to have sex…with everyone) They both share the same housing unit so going back to her room at the end of the night was not a problem. They are both wasted and start hooking up as soon as they get in the room. Gabe quickly thinks to himself to take a viagra before he puts on his condom but it is too late now and Gabe doesn’t have the best experience with the drug. Gabe has sex with Sarah with no condom or viagra because his moment had finally arrived and he didn’t want ANYTHING getting in his way of finally having sex. Gabe lasts five minutes but feels accomplished that he finally lost his virginity.
The next month of college was great for Gabe. He was getting good grades, making new friends, and enjoying his independence from home. One day Gabe gets a text from Sarah telling him she was late on her period. Her pregnancy test comes up positive. In this moment, Gabe feels like his world has closed in on him. Never has he wished so much that he can go back to his senior year in high school and be the nerd who got made fun of everyday for not being able to have sex…….
Do I dare write about it? Do I venture into the cerebral territory where so many men have gone but failed? This particular subject is one that is highly debate-worthy and has troubled society for generations. That is the famous double standard: if a guy hooks up a lot he is “the man” and if a girl does it then she is “a slut.” If myself and many other men do eventually find wives, our mental constructs and upbringings have conditioned us to seek a girl that has had a smaller number of sexual partners. However the general argument of the double standard should be viewed from multiple perspectives and philosophies which could prove that although most men would not want to marry promiscuous females, her sexual behavior may not warrant the use of the term “slut.”A big part of why men are not condemned as much as females for being promiscuous is that a vagina is higher maintenance than a penis. Many comedians have spoken about how the female tunnel of love is known to be “pretty” and penises are not. In order for a woman to “get off” she needs all sorts of mechanisms, tongue rotations, speed and penetration levels, candle scents, etc…But for a man, a few simple strokes and he experiences 5 seconds of bliss. Men also have more testosterone in their system which increases the eagerness to fornicate while women are more able to practice self control. These points establish a general reason why women are expected to have sex less than men. She is carrying gold and he is carrying silver. However, as valuable as gold is it is still given away or exchanged on few and certain occasions. So women do have the right to give away their gold if the price or time is right without losing “self respect.” If a woman meets a man and has sex with him the same night, I have no doubt that many will consider her a hoe with no self respect. But what if within that short period of time that man had highly triggered her mental, emotional, and physical levels. This would be rare, but possible. The same way someone may convince me to give them a piece of my gold in one day; not likely but possible. Porn stars are a fine example of this system. They are considered sluts but technically they are selling their gold every day. You may not agree, but to them (and men who marry them) the money is more important than the commodity at hand. So although she is getting pounded on camera, technically she is being rewarded for the goods that she posesses. Going back to my introduction, the reason I want my wife to have a low number of sexual partners is not because of her level of self-respect but it serves as a gauge of determining her judgement level in general. Like how quickly she is to give away a precious product without good reason. I think the same rules should apply for men but substitute the word silver for every time I used the word gold. It is still a commodity we posses but it is less valuable and easier to give away. Also a man’s testosterone will want him to experience that five seconds of bliss as often as he could. So I will not frown upon women who have one night stands or do “skanky” things as long their transaction was well judged.
Yes, I’m afraid it’s true: I’m putting Beaver and Steve on the dreaded ‘indefinite hiatus’. I’ve been incredibly lucky and managed to get someone to pay me to draw a new comic, but I’ve realised that working a full time job, then coming home and working another full time job doesn’t really leave me with much time to spend thinking up unfeasible new adventures. So rather than let the comic get gradually less and less funny I’m going to put it on hold until I have the time to give the comic the attention it needs, however long that takes. Sorry everyone! But don’t feel too bad – here’s a few ideas to take the sting out of it:
1) MAKE SURE YOU DON’T MISS BEAVER AND STEVE WHEN IT COMES BACK: